Man, these Ruby slippers are killing me. Breaking in a new dream can be painful. With only 100 days, I sort of didn't realize that I don't get weekends off! I've only had four hours to myself in the last 32 hours and I won't be alone again until Monday at 8:30AM. I should have used my four hours to write and work on my goals. But then there's that word again, SHOULD.
I spoke to my Mom today and she asked what I've been doing about losing weight and earning money. I told her my writing and video is going great! I shot an interview of someone following his passion yesterday and while doing so was totally in the flow and felt great. It was a passionate sand castle builder. I've been admiring his works of art on the beach for years and always wondered about him. When I saw him I felt inspired to find out more. I acted on a prompting.
I told my Mom I need more clarity around the weight and money goals to make them more specific and attainable. This is a process. I'll get some advice on that. I'm sure there's a training program somewhere. Somehow they feel like things I have to do, not want to do. In other words, shoulds. Losing weight is not my top priority in life right now. I only have 6 kid free hours a day at the moment and I can think of a million other things I need to do before I exercise, oh, like earn money. Plus, I've pretty much surrendered to the fact that I'm not going to be a Victoria's Secret model and I'm genuinely OK with that. Although my stepson said, "you never
know, they may come out with a MILF edition". (Google it.) Not sure if it was a compliment or if he was just trying to make me feel better but it would have to be an over 40 edition without G-strings. Could you imagine? There would be me and Kirstie Alley and the best air brusher in the business. Scary thought. Excuse me, but the only reason I need to lose weight is to fit back into my mom jeans because I currently can't afford to buy a bigger pair. In other words, I need to lose weight. I should lose weight. (There's that word again.) My Mom told me about the diet Bill Clinton went on and that I should eliminate meat and dairy. (Again.) I told her that I'd rather just get a colonic in December if I haven't lost all the weight by then because I saw that technique on America's Top Model and it worked. Besides, I thought my Mom was a Republican. This is coming from the same woman who, when I met Clinton, warned me not to go "in the back room" with him. Kinda like the talk she gave me when I was 25 and going on a trip with my boyfriend, asking me if I knew what condoms were. Duh. I forgot about that talk, though, later when I was 29 and got pregnant out of wedlock. Cucumbers for the Clintonesque bags under my eyes and now no meat and dairy. At least I can eat the cucumbers on the diet!
Then there's the money issue. I should earn money. (Again.) I have to pay the mortgage. After all, everybody
needs to earn money. It's just that I had money, the big house, the successful career and the whole American dream that no one seems to tell you is bullshit. Pursuit of happiness is what I remember but then again, I flunked the Constitution exam. Like losing weight, it's just not as important of a focus as it used to be. No one takes money with them when they die and no one on their deathbed says, "Gee, I wish I spent more time at the office." So, it's a necessary evil that I have to reconcile. I don't want to think about it, I just want to do what I love. I want to live an abundant, holistic life. I am rich in so many ways. Writing and video are more valuable to me right now than losing weight and earning a million dollars.
So, how do you psych yourself up to do things you don't necessarily want to do but may have to do? Is it a should or a must? I should lose weight. I must pay the rent. ("You must pay the rent." "But I can't pay the rent.")
Did your doctor tell you that you are going to die if you don't lose weight or do you just want to look better in this year's bikini? Is your house nearing foreclosure or do you just want that Chanel handbag? What is it you really want? What is it you really want to feel?