I'm sick and tired and I'm sick and tired of dealing with challenges! I feel like crying, smashing something or screaming really loudly "God, stop it! I'm serious about this dream, already!" I feel like Christopher Reeve - top of my game, about to hurdle a beautiful jump on a horse and splat, I'm paralyzed and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. Can we rewind?
When the momentary deer in the headlights "oh shit" feeling is gone, the anger kicks in with the "why me" and "life's not fair" feeling. I call this a Nancy Kerrigan moment. (I'm kind of in my own personal Olympics here. Can you say Pentathlon?) My web developer's server crashed and burned along with all the work he had done on my website. Blip. Gone. Just like any super powers Super Man might have had. Gone in an instant. It all seems so fragile. Dreams or even life can be shattered in a blink.
Accidents happen to the best of us but how do we pick ourselves up when we can't feel our arms or legs? When we've faced enough challenges for one lifetime? Sometimes it seems too exhausting to even try to get up after being pushed down again and again. Is there a breaking point when one gives up and just lies there mentally throwing in the towel? No one said life was fair or easy. (Or if they did, they lied.)
I dated a guy in college who I hold fully responsible for getting me into running. He was training for the Ironman. Yes, I joined the Triathlon Club and he was the president. No, I could never keep up. In the weeks before the race, he crashed on his bike and broke his elbow. Party over. All that work for nothing? He was about to join the Marine Corps and would not have another shot at doing the race anytime in the near future or possibly ever. (He could've switched jobs, had kids, gotten fat and never run again. Oh wait, that's me.) However, I discovered that 20 years later, he completed three Iron Man races and is planning more. I'd ask him how he did it but he's too busy working in the Pentagon!
I'll guess. For starters, have patience with your passion. I don't remember the psycho jock as we used to refer to him, as ever seeming that upset that he broke his elbow and missed the race he had worked so hard for. He handled the situation with a "shit happens" kind of attitude, moved on and never seemed to look back. No hard feelings. He probably trusted he'd do it eventually. His patience paid off. I'll guess again, if it's meant to be, it'll be. (And if you work your ass off, it'll be.) Christopher Reeve has more super powers than Super Man ever had. They're called grace, dignity, humanity, kindness, love and acceptance.
Right now I just feel like I've hit the wall steps from the finish line. I mean, I can see the banner that says FINISH. No one has broken through it yet. I can't just lie here looking at the sign whining and rolling in pain like Nancy Kerrigan, waiting to get hit by another car like the deer or get trampled by the bulls in Pamplona or hope some freakin' wizard is going to save me and lift me up in a hot air balloon and take me home. I just need to be my own super hero, click my heals together, maybe play the lottery and remember not to do Pentathlons in high heals, even if they're made of Ruby. If it's meant to be, then with a little patience, an attitude adjustment, trust and maybe some more work, I'll realize there's no place like home and I'll realize my dream!
My favorite definition of perseverance is - continuance in a state of grace leading finally to a state of glory.